My memories bring me misery,

and life is hard in the ghetto, it’s insanity,

I can’t breathe

Got me thinking, what do Hell got?

Cause I done suffered so much, I’m feelin’ shell-shocked

–Tupac, “Lord Knows”

22 Years ago yesterday, Tupac Shakur died at the age of 25, six days after being shot in Las Vegas.

Although he’s been gone for over 2 decades, many hip hop fans still are captivated by the image and legend associated with Tupac. They hear the songs, they see pictures of him flipping off and spitting at reporters. He’s praised for his wit, candor and general vibe of “No f**ks given” before it was even called that. To some, he’s almost a folk hero.

But in recent years, what I’ve come to realize is that one of the things which also makes many people connect to Tupac is what’s under the surface of his image, and that is the fact that he constantly dealt with trauma and pain.

Before you even look at lyrics, just look at some of his song titles: "Trapped", "Pain", "Under Pressure", "So Many Tears", "Me Against The World". As Chris Rock once famously said in a bit about Tupac's seemingly leaving "clues" in his music, "Pac is trying to tell us something!" Themes of sadness, rage, hopelessness, betrayal, and paranoia all are signature parts of Tupac’s music and his image, and if you take a look at his life, it’s no surprise that these themes of suffering are prevalent. Many people aware of Tupac’s story, but not many understand the pain and trauma he experienced because of it.

He was born into a black radical family at a time where the US government declared war on black radical movements. His mother, Afeni Shakur, a high-profile NYC based Black Panther, faced extensive police surveillance and harassment, much of which Tupac witnessed firsthand as a young child. Based on his mother’s political history and her connections, she was blacklisted, and it was difficult for her to keep jobs, so his family moved around often. In Tupac’s high school years, he watched as his mother became addicted to crack cocaine.

He was beaten by police for jaywalking when he was only 20 years old. At 21, he was involved in an altercation in which he was blamed for the accidental shooting death of a six-year-old child. He dealt with losing friends to violence, being shot at, receiving death threats, constant legal trouble and being branded as an enemy of law enforcement for his critiques of police brutality in his music.

By 23, he had survived being shot 5 times, in what he believed to be an attempt on his life. Shortly after, he went to prison for sexual abuse, a charge for which he claimed to be innocent until his death, and was harassed/abused by correctional officers while in prison.

… Now, just imagine what all of that would do you in your early 20s. How would you function? How would you think? How would you cope?

Tupac Shakur was traumatized, stressed, paranoid and at times, seemingly suicidal. He was a public case study for black trauma and mental health long before these conversations were common in hip hop.

And it's no secret that he often attempted to cope through alcohol and marijuana. Just think about how many times you've heard the words "memories" "misery" and "Hennessy" in a 'Pac song. Even his childhood friend, Jada Pinkett-Smith once said “People don’t like to talk about [the fact that] Pac was an addict… high all the time, drunk, whatever, his mind was never clear.”

“I smoke a blunt to take the pain out

And if I wasn’t high, I’d probably try to blow my brains out

I’m hopeless, they should’ve killed me as a baby,

Now they got me trapped in the storm, I’m going crazy”

-Tupac, Lord Knows

I often think about how his pain changed him and made him a more bitter and angrier. I wonder if that anger clouded his judgment? I sometimes wonder if he was introduced to healthier ways to cope with his pain and trauma, would he still be around today?

Ultimately, what Tupac’s life taught me is that trauma and pain, especially for black people, is often romanticized and commodified, yet rarely treated. Our coping mechanisms are seen as character flaws rather calls for help.

I also realized that so many pieces of Tupac’s struggle are a part of the struggles which many of us face, whether it’s growing up in poverty, dealing with trauma, overcoming forms of addiction, dealing a parent’s addiction, coping with loss, adjusting to adulthood and becoming aware of the injustices of the world

Tupac’s pain was, in many ways, all of our pain.

Hopefully, in understanding his struggles, we can better understand not only the struggles which we face ourselves, but those of the people we interact with every day, and who knows… maybe we’ll start to help other to heal.

Marvin DeBose

Writing since April 2018 · 3 stories contributed